entry 03, 1/1/25, 11:31pm.
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WOW writing the date for the first time is quite crazy. well. i am doing a little update and i will try to make this daily. i've been thinking about my website a lot today! i am going to make a layout soon and just make everything look as basic and readable and functional as possible then build on that. excited for that. errr.... i've been pretty good today. chewing through house. chewing off the ears of anyone who will listen about house. constantly. it's kind of bad and i need to stop. but i only have 3 more seasons to go before i can stop talking about it. solid 7 out of 10 on the happiness scale. not doing much. conscious of the basic punctuation making these chunky paragraphs slightly hard to read but i'm not sure what punctuation embeds automatically. i know theres a tag you can add to paragraphs to make it so that they just read automatically but i forgot it. well.
not sure i have much else to talk about... im going to play bioshock now. i hope its good. im hoping ill enjoy it as much as i enjoyed half life 1 but i know it wont. valve just cant be beat in terms of grungy industrial dark abandoned environments. i think its why i liked half life 1 way more than half life 2. i miss black mesa. well i guess i'll just have to find out on if bioshock lives up. cya! mwah
entry 02, 31/12/24. new year's eve, 10pm.
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2025 seems pretty monumental.
so, i have 2 hours to come to terms with it. will it be enough? absolutely not. so i'm going to talk about my feelings about this year and next here. why not? a less morbid diary entry. apologies for the last one, and that it had to be the first. needed somewhere, didn't feel like i had anywhere else, but maybe it's kickstarted a good thing. i feel more compelled to use this now. i'll format it better eventually so it's more readable. apologies till then. back on topic: new year.
i find myself thinking: am i ready to leave this behind yet? have i done what i want to do? it's obvious, though. you don't have a choice. besides, it's a phony feeling to be 'ready or not'. those aren't real qualifiers of anything. if you asked me what i feel like i haven't done this year that would make me NOT ready, i wouldn't have an answer. it's just that feeling, i guess. so then i think, my thoughts don't matter, and it's not worth following it. that also isn't true. it is worth it. that's why i am. people underestimate the power of thinking about things, and i've decided i AM ready.
2024 has been a tough one for me. formative, too. there's a lot of things in my head now that i wouldn't have even considered at the start of this year. in the middle of it, even. with different friends, i'd be a totally different person. they've helped me a lot in ways they can't really understand, without trying. it's hard to imagine what it would be like for me if i didn't have them, except for worse. it's the first time i've ever had friends so close or friends that care as much. it's taught me a lot about myself too, in ways i'm not sure i know how to use yet but it'll work out eventually. i trust in that vague sense of guidance. i won't get too personal about the past. i'm leaving it behind.
next year i want to change things for the better. it's rich coming from me now, i know i'll be different in a few months, but that's kinda the point. i've never cared much for new years stuff, a year is a year, it doesn't matter what i think now. it matters what i do then. so i guess writing it down makes it easier to hold myself to it. i want to be better, i know what i need to do better than i have before. hard times are eyeopening if you look at them objectively. i can't speak much now, but i promise i'm going to make things better. for me, for us, for whoever. i hope at the end of next year, i also find myself with things i never could've imagined at the start of it.
but time marches on, and it doesn't really matter what you think. write as much as you want about wanting things to be better, it doesn't make them come true. only actions do. better to hold yourself to them than act like empty promises are worth anything. hm. not sure i have much more to say, except that i'm not quite sure what to do now. it's taken me 12 minutes to write this up- i got an hour and 40 till new year hits. i'm not sure i actually care much about the specific times, though. i'm probably gonna do some stuff i've been meaning to but has been slipping my mind. funnily enough it persists to slip my mind so i'm still not sure what i need to do. only that earlier i thought to myself, "oh yeah, i need to do that," and now it's gone. i hope my memory jogs. for now... i'll be off. mwah. happy new year.
entry 01, 26/12/24.
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disclaimer from the future: this one functions more as a long ass vent rather than an entry. you might wanna skip and use entry 02 as a starting point?
i'm not quite sure what i'm doing right now. i'm sure i'll regret it later and delete this without rereading it. ...it doesn't feel dark enough right now. if that makes sense. maybe i should turn off the lights and go lie down somewhere, but i'm feeling bad. thinking too much. to make up for all the nothingness there is. i wish purposelessness would leave me alone for a while. i wish there was something that would change me. but there isn't right now. i'm not sure if it's a hopeless feeling, moreso the inherent terror of stagnation. the idea that i'll never climb out of this hole, or maybe there isn't a hole. yeah. that's the real fear, i think. that this is just IT, and there's nothing beyond this, really.
my hands have felt heavy lately. most things have, actually. just tired. so tired. tired of nothing. complete fatigue, cement in my bones. there's no room for anything in me. i've been, uncharacteristic lately. i know i have. misreading things. thinking things i shouldn't, then not thinking them anymore, and being reminded i'm not able to do that. i... can't really explain what i mean. it's not for here. i think i'm afraid to write it into existence. or maybe that it sounds so much worse if i write it. but that's okay. some things can stay just for me.
feeling bad like this is so paradoxical, for me. to me. whatever works. it doesn't make sense... i feel so irrational. i know i'm irrational. i know things won't stay this way, i will escape this hole, this isn't all there is, i have a future, things will work and i'll be someone new in a couple months. something like that. things will change. but i don't really, WANT to know those things. it's frustrating to be so caught between rationality and feeling. i hate thinking so much, i hate being so self aware. and it makes me wonder if i'm self aware at all... i'm probably not. i don't know how others perceive me. i don't know if they can tell i'm off. i don't think so. i don't know if i want them to or not. besides, i've never been great and expressing how i feel. it ends up being a block paragraph hidden in a part of my website nobody will click on, not that there's anyone looking for it, because people don't look at my website. let alone the people i know. and i can't exactly say, hey guys, go look at my website! i just updated it! the update is a chunk of text about how i feel directly in my soul right at this very moment. and. hm. maybe i should describe how i feel directly at this very moment.
my back hurts. my left temple hurts slightly. recently my lower back and pelvis have felt like they're rusty, which is probably the best way i can describe it. i have been unable to crack it or stretch properly. i feel like i'm frowning too much. my right wrist hurts. my back hurts an amount where i can't sit up properly, or i could but i don't want to, so i'm resting against the desk and slouching to type, which is making me mistype a lot more than i usually would. my legs are crossed and it's making my spine burn. there's a throbbing in my left eye, and lethargy consuming all parts of my body. mostly a sinking in my stomach and chest and a clench in my jaw. i feel exasperated. wrong. bad in a way i can't accurately describe. it's a dull bad. not fully there. i could get over it if i wanted to, but then what would i be? bored and neutral again. maybe that's just it. there hasn't been anything left for me to feel lately, so i default to sad and brooding, because it's better than nothing. purposelessness and numbness and neutrality, it's worse than feeling one way or the other. i've been listening to sad music to perpetuate this feeling. i don't like it, either. not around the season. i know my family can tell when i'm in a bad mood and i don't want them to think i've had a shit christmas, i haven't. it's been nice. i'm just thinking about the grander scheme of things and it weighs on me so hard i can't move anymore.
i want to be me again. i haven't been myself for a while. when have I ever been insecure? anxious? i don't do that sort of thing. i'm not supposed to overthink. i'm not supposed to care about what you think. i know you're not thinking anything at all. i know you don't care. you haven't thought about me all day. why would you? nothing to think about. i'm just the same as i've always been. but to me, right now, i'm a burning, itching irritant in the back of your head. i'm not. that would be overestimating my skills at being irritating. ironically, i think i'm at my worst when i'm sad. i become very attention seeking and i'm aware of it. not that anyone takes up on it. i just perform like a monkey for nobody for a little while. hm. i don't know. running out of things to say. heaving a sigh, giving up. nobody's going to read this. i want them to. i want people to know i'm not doing alright. they never give consolation bitter or reassuring enough, though, so it doesn't really matter whether they do or don't.
nothing wrong with sitting with the gun in your mouth for a while, as long as the safety's on. i think i'll do that for a while. when are you reading this? let me know. who are you? why? i care about you. i like the way our fingers brush against eachother from across the web. im out. less than three