entry 06, 7/4/25, 12:08pm.
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EARLY TODAY it is 12 in the afternoon i am just writing up a quick one before i take my dogs for a walk. thinking about my website a lot today. i think i will play with it some more this break. i might try using a template or take inspo of some sort from somebody's code because i cannot figure out div elements for the life of me. i will try harder .
i have lots to do this week i am kind of Fucked but dats okay. i need to do uni stuff Very Very quickly or else i will be missing deadlines and have to take a gap year. not entirely hopelesss though? i dont think a gap year would be too bad for me but i want something to do in the meantime if thats what im gonna do. job + volunteering most likely. i should check when the volunteering checkin is if i havent missed this months. hum. taps chin. i want to do a lot more writing and maybe catch up on my essays early. i should do that. i have some other stuff id like to hit this week, commission and writing stuff id like to do if possible, among other things which may or may not transpire. depends on my aptitude at Getting My Shit Together. hasn't served me great in the past. but alas.
ive been thinking too much recently, if i want to get introspective here. overthinking eeeeeverything. lately i havent been able to just let myself live and exist and do things as i do them. everything must be calculated and overthought. it's not great and it feels bad. i am working towards Stopping Doing That. the last entry is quite funny in retrospect. sorry got distracted and started reading that just now. hahahahahahahaahhahahaaa. Well , Any Hways , Ignore That ,
i think thats about it for today. got my lil checklist of stuff to do. gonna hit as much as i can today. try force myself out the house tomorrow and hit More Stuff on my checklist. hum hum hum. wish me Luck. life solid 5 on the scale right now, maybe a 4. maybe ill incorporate my life ratings into these entries because i think that sounds fun. ill do that later when i get back. 5.4 on the scale. yes. yes. ok. goodbye. ok.
entry 05, 14/3/25, 5:32pm.
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OH my goodness GRACIOUS im s bad at keeping diaries im so sorry. also this keyboard is broken as hell so if i miss out letters or anything just dont mention it. Anyways. Hi. welcome back. im here im alive im doing okay. like a solid 7 on the okay scale. my day has been pretty good its just beena normal day but im ogoing out with friends later YAY im so excited. i love my buddies. i miss them dearly. this blog keeps slipping my mind so much omg. life update im doing another uni application hopefully i can get it sorted for this year because man if i have to take a gap year i'll just go completely off the fuckin rails. tho there's upsides because at this rate im still not going to be medicated until 2nd year at th eariest unless theres somethng the uni can do which they cant. so. sux 2 suk but i'll do what i can.
yeah hopefully my application goes thru im doing my best rn,, still on that job hunt grind except way lazier than i should be because yknow its me. hmmmm today i called a long time online friend for the first time and that was so nice it was very natural not awkward. i love them a lot im glad to hav spoken to them. i was very anxious today but that call made me feel a lil better,, im still pretty anxious but i jus kinda get like that from time to time. i dont usually get very anxious but when i do it hits like a bitch. maybe im just not used to it. id prefer to keep it that way. my eye is tweaking alittle which it does when im stressed. im wearing my favourite pants. i olove these fuckin pants. my iconic black cargos. hmmm wha else to update you on. im listening to fontaines dc rn ive been pretty obsessed with them the lkast few days. im really into music lately. listening to a lot of punk rock and post hardcore. i love it. wearing a new slipknot tshirt i bought. almost bught a glassjaw shirt but i missed it and someone else took it. rip. well glassjaw are touring again so who know maybe theyll blow up. hurrrmm.
i think that's it for now....... just to keep it short. meeting up in 20 minutes. gobless. ECHOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! okay bye bye love you see you later i will try to update more frequently. lifes good. soon to be better. winters behind us now. <3
entry 04, 31/1/25, 2:15pm.
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jesus CCCCCCCCCHHHHRIST. Hello and goodbye to january. Sorry. i guess i lied about being daily entirely. i guess monthly isnt that bad but i'm sad because i had a lot of thoughts during january that i wanted to share. i just kept forgettnig or not feeling like it by the time i had logged in and pulled up the site. well. there's always next month.
i dunno there's not much to recap. kinda havent been doing anything. went back to uni but nothing much to say about it yet. in the library rn i have 2 books with me about css. i wanna learn flexbox because jesus i have no idea how to make a decent looking layout. but i would like to have one. i need to examine more websites and see what they do and copy them. i also just generally need to update my pages like theyre all still blank but idk im not great at writing essays on things i like outside of very specific moments ... so maybe ill make them about other things. still experimenting with ideas.
been thinking about some things lately which i'm not so much of a fan of. thinking about how i don't like any of my ocs and they are probably scrapped atp. SORRY! theyre gone. rip. never to be missed. but i also don't have any new ideas and it's frustrating me. i need something. i need my brain to work and give me something to work with. im listening to la dispute rn and this band is good. i would like to make a page for albums actually. maybe ill create a music ranking page. that would be fun. hmmmhmhmhhmhmhm hmhtjthjtht GRR. im gonna go home and play skyrim SO hard. i love skyrim. theres other things i could say but wont. anyways. until next time. hopefully TOMORROw. however i only have 8 episodes left of house so i assume tomorrow will be reserved for Binging to the end. waahhh WAHHH i love house im so mad its over. need more house. ill stop myself there before i talk about it for hours again. have a good one
entry 03, 1/1/25, 11:31pm.
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WOW writing the date for the first time is quite crazy. well. i am doing a little update and i will try to make this daily. i've been thinking about my website a lot today! i am going to make a layout soon and just make everything look as basic and readable and functional as possible then build on that. excited for that. errr.... i've been pretty good today. chewing through house. chewing off the ears of anyone who will listen about house. constantly. it's kind of bad and i need to stop. but i only have 3 more seasons to go before i can stop talking about it. solid 7 out of 10 on the happiness scale. not doing much. conscious of the basic punctuation making these chunky paragraphs slightly hard to read but i'm not sure what punctuation embeds automatically. i know theres a tag you can add to paragraphs to make it so that they just read automatically but i forgot it. well.
not sure i have much else to talk about... im going to play bioshock now. i hope its good. im hoping ill enjoy it as much as i enjoyed half life 1 but i know it wont. valve just cant be beat in terms of grungy industrial dark abandoned environments. i think its why i liked half life 1 way more than half life 2. i miss black mesa. well i guess i'll just have to find out on if bioshock lives up. cya! mwah
entry 02, 31/12/24. new year's eve, 10pm.
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2025 seems pretty monumental.
so, i have 2 hours to come to terms with it. will it be enough? absolutely not. so i'm going to talk about my feelings about this year and next here. why not? a less morbid diary entry. apologies for the last one, and that it had to be the first. needed somewhere, didn't feel like i had anywhere else, but maybe it's kickstarted a good thing. i feel more compelled to use this now. i'll format it better eventually so it's more readable. apologies till then. back on topic: new year.
i find myself thinking: am i ready to leave this behind yet? have i done what i want to do? it's obvious, though. you don't have a choice. besides, it's a phony feeling to be 'ready or not'. those aren't real qualifiers of anything. if you asked me what i feel like i haven't done this year that would make me NOT ready, i wouldn't have an answer. it's just that feeling, i guess. so then i think, my thoughts don't matter, and it's not worth following it. that also isn't true. it is worth it. that's why i am. people underestimate the power of thinking about things, and i've decided i AM ready.
2024 has been a tough one for me. formative, too. there's a lot of things in my head now that i wouldn't have even considered at the start of this year. in the middle of it, even. with different friends, i'd be a totally different person. they've helped me a lot in ways they can't really understand, without trying. it's hard to imagine what it would be like for me if i didn't have them, except for worse. it's the first time i've ever had friends so close or friends that care as much. it's taught me a lot about myself too, in ways i'm not sure i know how to use yet but it'll work out eventually. i trust in that vague sense of guidance. i won't get too personal about the past. i'm leaving it behind.
next year i want to change things for the better. it's rich coming from me now, i know i'll be different in a few months, but that's kinda the point. i've never cared much for new years stuff, a year is a year, it doesn't matter what i think now. it matters what i do then. so i guess writing it down makes it easier to hold myself to it. i want to be better, i know what i need to do better than i have before. hard times are eyeopening if you look at them objectively. i can't speak much now, but i promise i'm going to make things better. for me, for us, for whoever. i hope at the end of next year, i also find myself with things i never could've imagined at the start of it.
but time marches on, and it doesn't really matter what you think. write as much as you want about wanting things to be better, it doesn't make them come true. only actions do. better to hold yourself to them than act like empty promises are worth anything. hm. not sure i have much more to say, except that i'm not quite sure what to do now. it's taken me 12 minutes to write this up- i got an hour and 40 till new year hits. i'm not sure i actually care much about the specific times, though. i'm probably gonna do some stuff i've been meaning to but has been slipping my mind. funnily enough it persists to slip my mind so i'm still not sure what i need to do. only that earlier i thought to myself, "oh yeah, i need to do that," and now it's gone. i hope my memory jogs. for now... i'll be off. mwah. happy new year.